Inner Conflict

I really don't want to start ranting on and on about how much life sucks right now for me, but I feel like the safest way to get this off my chest is to just write it out. I'm at a place in my life where everything is just falling apart internally, and I need to restructure everything. It might not make sense so far, but let me explain.

Discovering my sexuality and slowly learning to accept it totally changed everything about my life. Since I was a kid, I was completely sure that I was a Christian and believed everything that the Bible said. I went to Sunday school every week, I went to the youth groups, and I went on the church trips. Going to church has been pretty much like a ritualistic chore for me. I used to go because I was encouraged to, but now I don't even have a reason to go anymore. As I grow older, it's really hard to try and go to church without having a feeling of skepticism or doubt. I always come up with questions that challenge God, wondering if anybody else asks these questions, or if they have an answer.

These are some nagging questions I've had:

1. If God doesn't like homosexuality so much, then why would he even allow the attraction. He is all powerful, right? If God doesn't like it, then why did he make me gay?

2. If Jesus is the only way, then what about the people who don't know him? What about the people from China and India who didn't get to hear about Jesus, because missionaries didn't arrive there until many centuries after? Did they go to hell since they didn't have Jesus?

3. How can a God care so much about punishing or judging sinners, that he would send them to hell, yet care so little about children dying of starvation in Africa? Does he take the time to provide them with food? No.

4. Since there are so many different sects of Christianity, which one will God 'accept'?

5. If God doesn't want us to be focused on worldly things and he wants us to be with him, why did he even create an earth? Why not have everyone start off in heaven with him?

6. If God foresees everything, why did he create man, knowing that man would sin and some would go to hell and suffer?

Aside from these questions, I still believe in God. I'm just not sure that any religion properly describes him. Anytime I see one of those nature or universe videos, I'm absolutely blown away by the complexity and beauty of everything our universe has. That's the only thing that makes me believe in a God. I was watching one today. Here's the video if you wanna see. It's really cool!

Nature by Numbers from Cristóbal Vila on Vimeo.

Anyways, back to my internal struggle. I feel like I'm totally disconnected with my church despite going there for many years. It's hard to separate myself from such a powerful force. I feel like I have to start over again, and find myself without religion in my life. My political views, my moral views, everything is changing. It's definitely scary, but that's not going to stop me from exploring a totally new world and finally being me.

New Beginnings

Ok, so this is my first time ever having a blog. First time ever being so open to the online community. With firsts come new beginnings, and I hope that this new journey will be awesome for both myself and anyone who reads this. Don't wanna start off with a cliché sounding intro, but that's how I feel. :)

So why do I want to start this blog?

1. To discover myself

2. To connect with other people like me (In other words: I'm lonely right now :P)

3. To share all my thoughts for organization, analysis, and inspiration

4. To document my life (not that it has any importance D:)

5. To develop my writing skills in English and perhaps French as well

6. To mark the day when everything changed (read later)

That's all I can think of for now , but there are many reason why this blog cannot be put off any longer.

So, let me tell you a bit about myself while trying to remain anonymous. Basically, by label definition - everything that people "define" themselves as or immediately recognize in others - I am a 16 year old, black, gay, semi-closet case, intellectual(geek, but intellectual sounds so much nicer, don't you think?)male. Now, I am all of these these, yet none. While people might see these things, I am not defined by them; I am (my name here). I don't follow stereotypes. I'm just me, whoever that is.

Anyways, about my story as mentioned in number 6, it happened today. So, like I told you, I'm gay, however until two days ago my mom didn't know. She found out through some, shall I say ahem... internet browsing history ;), that I was gay. If you're wondering why I didn't tell her, it's because I come from a very religious family, thus the problem. Being the organized person I am, I had a plan to conceal my homosexuality from my mom, try to act good, and come out in college to friends only. That way I could keep everyone happy. However, I didn't count on the fact that one day I would forget to erase my internet history . So, she found out. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. She didn't kick me out of the house. She didn't yell or scream at me. She was surprising calm. She sat with me and showed me bible verses(the regulars - Lev 18:22, Lev 20:13, Rom 1:27), told me it was wrong. At this point in my life, I have realized that it really doesn't matter anymore. I have one life to live and if it means denying my inherent nature for the rest of my days, then it's not worth living. I cannot imagine a future where I try to live some happy, heterosexual, Christian life with a wife and kids, and believe me, I have wild imaginations. So, this event was the last push for me to start this blog.

I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I will have fun writing it. Thanks for reading this far, and tell me what you think, or what needs improvement. Thanks!