Discovering my sexuality and slowly learning to accept it totally changed everything about my life. Since I was a kid, I was completely sure that I was a Christian and believed everything that the Bible said. I went to Sunday school every week, I went to the youth groups, and I went on the church trips. Going to church has been pretty much like a ritualistic chore for me. I used to go because I was encouraged to, but now I don't even have a reason to go anymore. As I grow older, it's really hard to try and go to church without having a feeling of skepticism or doubt. I always come up with questions that challenge God, wondering if anybody else asks these questions, or if they have an answer.
These are some nagging questions I've had:
1. If God doesn't like homosexuality so much, then why would he even allow the attraction. He is all powerful, right? If God doesn't like it, then why did he make me gay?
2. If Jesus is the only way, then what about the people who don't know him? What about the people from China and India who didn't get to hear about Jesus, because missionaries didn't arrive there until many centuries after? Did they go to hell since they didn't have Jesus?
3. How can a God care so much about punishing or judging sinners, that he would send them to hell, yet care so little about children dying of starvation in Africa? Does he take the time to provide them with food? No.
4. Since there are so many different sects of Christianity, which one will God 'accept'?
5. If God doesn't want us to be focused on worldly things and he wants us to be with him, why did he even create an earth? Why not have everyone start off in heaven with him?
6. If God foresees everything, why did he create man, knowing that man would sin and some would go to hell and suffer?
Aside from these questions, I still believe in God. I'm just not sure that any religion properly describes him. Anytime I see one of those nature or universe videos, I'm absolutely blown away by the complexity and beauty of everything our universe has. That's the only thing that makes me believe in a God. I was watching one today. Here's the video if you wanna see. It's really cool!
Nature by Numbers from Cristóbal Vila on Vimeo.
Anyways, back to my internal struggle. I feel like I'm totally disconnected with my church despite going there for many years. It's hard to separate myself from such a powerful force. I feel like I have to start over again, and find myself without religion in my life. My political views, my moral views, everything is changing. It's definitely scary, but that's not going to stop me from exploring a totally new world and finally being me.
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